The New McCarthyism

Old lady smell

2006-09-26T23:49:00.000-04:00

Am I getting too old for this? I'm certainly older now than I've ever been. And now I'm older still. Thank you, They Might Be Giants, for reminding me of something I've always associated with aging: Old lady smell. Is that how old ladies smell, or is that the perfume old ladies use to cover up how they really smell? I hope it's the former, because if it's the latter, that's one really awful perfume.

Memory? It's in the skin

2006-08-25T18:01:00.000-04:00

A nice woman recently explained to me that scientists discovered that all of our skin cells contain memories (note: I'm not sure if this is actually true or not, but she was pretty so I played along). That prompted my own discovery, which I shared with her...No wonder all the skinny beautiful people are so dumb! Less skin, fewer memories! If that's true, then fat people should have lots of memories. Most of those memories focus on eating (note: I'm not sure if this is actually true or not, but she was pretty so I figured she wouldn't remember me saying any of this later).

Does your car have high-tech reverse warnings?

2006-08-14T23:05:00.000-04:00

Cars have gone really high-tech. Used to be only large buses and tractor-trailer trucks had warning systems when they stuck it in reverse. My parents drive a car with a little camera on the rear windshield that points backward -- when they slowly back up, it goes beep...beep...beep. When they back up quickly, it goes THUMPTHUMPTHUMP. Or, sometimes...KRRRRSSHHHH!

Bacon tastes smart

2006-04-20T08:58:00.000-04:00

The New York Post reported recently that Cameron Diaz had given up eating bacon, had sworn off the swine, when she learned that pigs have the mental capacity of a 3-year-old. I suppose that's a good idea. Not eating 3-year-olds, I mean. Wait until they get older and fattier, I say. No, wait. That's not it. Diaz was fine with eating pigs when she thought they were smarter than toddlers. Dumb pigs? Leave 'em alone, she says! Or something like that. Her star shines bright, that one.

My kryptonite

2006-04-14T19:44:00.000-04:00

Sometimes I think I might be Superman.
If so, then alcoholic beverages are my kryptonite.
Which means I come from the planet Alcohol.
Otherwise known as Delaware.

The power of the shower

2006-03-28T11:16:00.000-05:00

I tend to do a lot of joke writing in the shower. I don't know what it is about being naked and wet that makes things seem funnier. OK. Maybe I do know what looks funny about me being naked and wet. But for some reason, the running water and the tile acoustically makes my jokes sound a lot funnier than they perhaps really are. Sounds odd. But not really. A lot of people admit to singing only in the shower. So there must be something about the acoustics of a shower that make one's voice more harmonious and hilarious. If I ever were to start an open mic, I'd call it The Shower. Heck, I'd host it in a shower! Musicians and comedians: You're welcome. This isn't so much a joke as much as it is a business plan.

My first two posts

2006-02-20T23:59:00.000-05:00

A careful reader will notice that my first two posts have dealt with male and female genitalia. A careless reader would think that somehow makes me sick in the head. A careful reader with a Biblical sense might think, however, that I've merely begun from the beginning, with an Adam post and an Eve post. Only from here can the other posts follow and bear fruit. Are you hungry for more?

Isle of Vagina

2006-02-20T23:53:00.000-05:00

Comedian DJ Hazard made a joke the other night about how, at the supermarket, guy's foot care can be located right next to the jock itch, while women have an entire "aisle of vagina." A friend noted that the joke would be completely different, though still funny, if misheard as "I love vagina." At the same time, I thought that Hazard might've been suggesting that women have an "Isle of Vagina." Is this a place you'd like to visit? Would Wonder Woman be there to greet you? Would it be on the map? And in a related query: Would men get lost?

Balls of steel

2006-01-31T23:36:00.000-05:00

I think saying you have balls of steel is much better than actually having balls of steel. Especially if you travel. Everytime you go the airport, it's the same old story with the TSA.
"Yes, I've taken off my belt and removed all of my jewelry and change from my pockets."
"Are you hiding anything on your person, sir?"
(whispers) "I have balls of steel."
"Excuse me?"
(shouts) "I have balls of steel!"
"Sir, could you please step out of line and follow us, please?"
"Really, you should already have me on a list. Shouldn't there be a list for this sort of thing? There really should be a list. I travel all the time..."